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Is new always better?

“wherever you go, there you are” ~ many ancients & now Me

Lil new uni town

If they only knew… I now live in a small town far far from home, far from my success, far from public veiw, far from all accompishments and everything I ever built, everything that seemed to make up Me. I gave it all up and changed everything; not who I am, just the life that got so big it surrounded me like a rival war party that seemed to have me pinned down to my demise. I know that makes it seem like my life back home was terrible and out of control, but I had a great life, a life I take full ownership of with no regrets. Every choice I ever made was from a place of love. I can honestly say that I am proud of the life that I have lived, even the filthiest parts we all barely make it through… Because that is the point isn’t it, to live a life that you and you alone can live with? So I changed everything, left everything behind and started again… not started over, just again, because all of this new does’t erase what’s already been. Now I am writing it all down without a name or a face, not to ego vomit all over anyone, but because of where I have now landed on this journey of mine. I have made some wonderful new friends, real&genuine friends, and in the small university town I now live in, I can clearly see that this place is new for most of us that now live here and perhaps reading this will simply be a reminder that you are not alone, as writing it down reminds me.

So how do we keep new begings from being a rerun of old hurts? Life is definitley better here, but it’s never going to be easier in the areas we struggle with inside. Love, health, money, work, learning, coping, hope, these seven dwarves hitch a ride on our backs wherever we go, and I really want to get better at all of them and figured many hands make light work. Maybe, just maybe getting to be brutally real on these pages will help us get there together a lot faster and with a hell of a lot more laughter.

He lusts me, He loves me not…

Love, what a fucking nightmare lmao! I want to say I am the worst at it, but that seems a bit of a far reach… but I am pretty crap at it. I of course, like everyone else, want to be loved for all of me… So why are we all so bullshit these days? The topic of Love is so scary in fact, I find mysef hesitating even writing down how I really feel about it, but that seems to be the point these days… No one wants to go first! If I tell him or her how I really feel will I ruin what we have? And to that point, am I even sure how I really feel? See? Nightmare lol.

I just want off of the nuerotic love train like everyone else. So what do we all end up doing these days… attempting to fuck our way out. Don’t give me that look you know exactly what I’m on about. “I’ll just go with the flow of it and follow how I feel& not take anything seriously until I’m sure” … Sound familiar? Problem with this approch is that in this disconnected, text blurping, head in the box, instant gratification day and age, our sex drive usually “feels” first leaving our hearts like a confused innocent watching porn for the first time, feeling tingly and yet totally confused without a clue what to do. I’m definitely not brave enough yet to go into details on this page, even anonymously, about my exact love brickwall, but I’ll dip my toe in here just to test the water lol.